There are a lot of myths in Western culture that make me furious. Here is one I’ve been thinking about a lot recently:
Women orgasm less than men because NATURE SAYS SO.
According to one large-scale survey of American adults, women have about one orgasm for every three that men have. That is thirty percent. Women orgasm thirty three percent as often as men do.
How do we account for this difference?
The standard means by which Americans explain this difference by suggesting that women’s bodies are simply bad at orgasms. “It’s complicated!” we say. “Women are delicate flowers!” “Sometimes women orgasm and sometimes they don’t.”
Because NATURE. (Here’s what I have to say about a woman’s nature!)
Where does the idea that it’s a biological imperative that women orgasm infrequently come from?
1) Sigmund Freud. Freud famously argued that an orgasm without vaginal penetration was an “immature” orgasm. The idea that women could orgasm without (GASP!) a male organ inside of her was terrifying for the man. This theory has of course been seriously disproven. Masters and Johnson later showed that stimulating the clitoris on the outside of the body and the vagina on the inside is two different ways of stimulating… get this… the clitoris, because it’s actually a pretty big body part that exists both inside and outside the body. It’s the whole pleasure experience of the woman, period. So. There’s no such thing as an “immature” orgasm. They’re all on the same organ.
All the poor women who think there’s something wrong with them because they don’t orgasm from penetration alone – well. They (YOU) definitely need to know this. It’s all the same organ. And, in fact, more than 75% of women need some sort of external stimulation to orgasm.
Anyway. Freud said that the clitoris was bad and should be ignored. People (men) really liked how much easier this made their lives. It rationalized what they were already thinking anyway. So the idea stuck, and stuck hard.
Pun intended.
(For a radically alternative view to Freud, see the electrifyingly awesome book on sex in human history, here.)
2) Accidental ignorance
30% of women and 25% of men don’t know where the clitoris is.
A lot of people, I believe, are accidentally ignorant. Whether its because of a lack of good sex ed or because of the misogynistic culture in which we live (see points below), they simply can’t make heads or tails of female anatomy. It’s not really their fault – and I’m not mad at anyone for accidental ignorance. We are all victims of negativity in our culture in one way or another, and this is simply one of them.
One of my favorite books on this topic is She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner! It does a FANTASTIC job of explaining where the clitoris is, how to find it, and what it wants!
3) “What you need is what I need.”
Even for a lot of people who do know where the clitoris is and who are interested in female pleasure, they simply go about it all wrong. Here is something that almost all people do subconsciously:
We treat other people the way we’d like to be treated.
At least in the bedroom, anyway.
So this is what sex ends up looking like: Women act a bit like a tease with men, touch them gently, don’t go right for the male organ right away. (Very, very generally speaking.) Because women generally tend to be more gentle and patient and appreciative of suspense in the bedroom.
On the other hand, men tend to go right for the goods. (At least, this is what Men are from Mars Women are from Venus tells me.) And when they want to increase pleasure, they go harder and faster. Because men generally enjoy it when things are harder and faster.
Ooops.
So let it be known, lads and ladies. You’re doing each other backwards. Think about the psychology of the human being you are with. Don’t assume that they like the style you like. Generally speaking, pleasure tends to be a bit complementary, with women’s bodies responding more positively to lighter touches and men’s to firmer. And if not – well. The right thing to do is ask.
(Here is my favorite book on pleasure for both partners, including psychological stuff. Here’s my favorite for women alone. Here’s my favorite for pleasing guys.)
4) Fear.
“I know women can receive pleasure, but I’m afraid I’ll look stupid if I let anyone know I need help.”
Ugh.
We live in a world in which men are expected to be perfect and manly and not need help. Plus, people are generally very fearful of vulnerability. Sex is already a profoundly vulnerable act. But what if you go into it and say openly “I don’t know what I”m doing!” That is perhaps the most vulnerable act of all. Of course – in that act there is a LOT of strength. It takes a lot of strength to confess ignorance. But it is a highly vulnerable and potentially volatile situation.
We can work to overcome by this developing our skills for acceptance, patience, and open communication. Men are cultured to be incommunicative. We tell them from day one that they should be strong, silent, unemotional types. But that’s just… that’s not right. If we can help make our culture one in which vulnerability and communication are highly prized values, then we can more easily navigate intimate spaces like the bedroom.
5) Misogyny.
Obviously, this is the worst one, and the one at which I concentrate my fury. It says:
“I know women can receive pleasure, but I really can’t be bothered to do it.”
That’s what The Men think.
This is what The Women think:
“I like orgasms, but I really want my partner to think I’m sexy and like me. I feel terribly self-conscious. I am going to please him first and not ask for my own.”
Six months ago, I met a man who was totally lovely and charming and kind. We went up to his hotel room. He pushed me on the bed and put his penis in me and intercourse-d me for maybe ten minutes, saying conquesting things like “this *ss is mine tonight.” He had an orgasm, and then “we” were done having sex.
!
Stefani was never a part of that sex. Afterward, I just laid there and sort of looked at him. I knew I should have had some fiery feminist thing to say, but I still couldn’t believe that that was it, he wasn’t going to invest in my pleasure at all, I thought surely there must be more coming. But there wasn’t. That was it.
When I say we live in a misogynistic culture that denies female pleasure, this is what I’m talking about. Of course this was a singular situation, but there are so many similar situations that happen on a day to day basis, I don’t even know where to start.
Misogyny — that is, this culture we live in that prioritizes men’s needs over women’s, and which tends to dehumanize and objectify women — makes us (both women and men) think a lot of bad things.
Misogyny makes us think the male orgasm is more important than the female.
It makes us think guys are lusty fellows, and that women are lusty objects.
It makes us think guys enjoy sex but women enjoy the mushy emotional things like cuddling.
It makes us think women are dirty and immoral if they act on sexual desire.
It makes us think, as was the case with my mystery hotel man, that sex is an acceptable form of conquest.
Come to think of it, it makes men want to conquer women in the first place.
It makes us think men have a valid sexual need, and that women are obligated to fulfill that need (see The Man’s Rights Movement or GamerGate or that punk on the shooting spree or any other incidents from 2014).
It makes us think men are sexual and women are sexy.
It makes us think the male orgasm is what makes sex successful and fulfilling.
It makes us think the male orgasm is the END OF SEX. (Hey guys, you have HANDS AND A FACE, I’m just saying.)
To demonstrate that what I’m saying isn’t crazy, I’d like to pull some quotes from an academic article by Elizabeth Armstrong and her colleagues, in the context of another article posted at Alternet.
Elizabeth Armstrong and her colleagues conclude that women’s orgasm rates are strongly related to her evolving relationship with her partner, the activities they include, and his investment in her pleasure. The more times a woman is with a man, the more she orgasms. Women in relationships in fact orgasm up to seven times as frequently as single women do.
Qualitative research on men’s motivations confirm the last piece. “I’m all about making her orgasm,” said a man interviewed for their study. “The general her or like the specific her?” he was asked. “Girlfriend her,” he responded, “In a hookup her, I don’t give a shit.”
Women know the difference. Said one: “When I… meet somebody and I’m gonna have a random hookup… from what I have seen, they’re not even trying to, you know, make it a mutual thing.”
Expecting an orgasm from a male hookup partner is even seen as demanding and rude. One woman explained how she felt like she didn’t have the “right” to ask for an orgasm: “I didn’t feel comfortable I guess. I don’t know. I think I felt kind of guilty almost, like I felt like I was kind of subjecting [guys] to something they didn’t want to do and I felt bad about it.”
Out of nerves, insecurity, or a lack of entitlement, women often prioritize men’s pleasure too. Speaking of hookups, one woman insists: “I will do everything in my power to, like whoever I’m with, to get [him] off.” My own research confirms that college women often fully accept that hookups usually don’t include orgasms for women. “Even if I was in charge,” said one, “I did not make sure I was being pleased.” “The guy kind of expects to get off,” said another, “while the girl doesn’t expect anything.”
The bottom line is this: women orgasm less than men do for many complicated, interwoven factors. But they are all social factors.
When you remove social barriers to orgasm, women in fact far outstrip men in orgasmic performance.
That’s right.
Not only do women match men in potential number of orgasms biologically, but in fact we do it more.
How do we know this?
Well. Women who sleep with women have many more orgasms than heterosexual women. Women also have no problem experiencing orgasm through masturbation. The same women who frequently have orgasms during masturbation report many fewer orgasms when they’re with a partner.
Even the idea that women simply “take longer” than men is a myth. It takes women the same amount of time to orgasm during masturbation as it takes men, on average, to have an orgasm through intercourse: four minutes.
So here’s the bottom line of the bottom line:
Women orgasm less than men do because of the social forces of our culture, that live in both the brains of both men and women.
And then we come up with this idea, that no, it’s not our culture’s fault, it’s actually our biology’s fault.
And then we have a seriously powerful rationalization for ignoring female pleasure on our hands.
Saying that the female body is bad at orgasms gives guys (and gals) a free pass.
It is simply easier to go on thinking that female pleasure is “complicated.” One one side of the coin, it lets guys be lazy and feel properly accomplished in the sack. On the other side, it lets us women avoid having to stand up for ourselves and explore and demand equal attention.
Boooo.
#dislike
So I challenge men to overcome fear and ignorance and help us. Even more importantly, I challenge us women to become better communicators about this. I challenge us to explore our own bodies and sexuality, and to learn what we like and dislike. I challenge us to tell men. I challenge us to be unapologetically sexual. I challenge us to own the real sexual power of our natural bodies – the biological bodies that have the potential to sustain multiple orgasms in quick succession. I challenge us to do this not only for the sake of a quick high between the sheets… but more importantly for the sake of consideration, empathy, and respect, and equality between the sexes.
For my favorite books on the subject, check out (all amazon links):
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
The Guide to Getting it On: A Book about the Wonders of Sex
The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature
She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man
The Male Brain: A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think
And of course, don’t forget my own book Sexy By Nature that covers all things women’s health!
I have never had a problem with multiple orgasms. 31-years-old and been married for 11 years, and even before then, I tend to orgasm very quickly and often. I am genuinely sympathetic to the women that have to have all of the extra stimulation before and during sex to have even one orgasm. I didn’t realize until just a few years ago that many women were having difficulties with achieving orgasms. I can see how sex would not be fun and a waste of time for those women, eventually causing problems in relationships. I guess the only advice I can give is to try to “stretch it out” a bit…it will go back to normal size and strength, but the added tension on the clitoris and labia minora, with the addition of the object or penis rubbing against the g-spot will lead to an orgasm rather quickly.
1. If a guy isn’t getting you off don’t fake it. Really. Pick up the phone and call your best friend and talk about shoes. But don’t dead-fish-it. He might think your just fridged.
2. Think about what you actually fantasize about. He is. Really. Don’t even pretend you’re in the same universe.
3. Sometimes you just got to take the reins. Ride him and use him like a dirty whore.
//Works for me; Married.
love it.
Thank you for an arousing post. Hubby of 15 years came home, we had satisfactory love making, and I did not get orgasm.
I have never orgasmed in intercourse. I get orgasms during ovulation by masturbating. Otherwise, my clitoris is like a sleeping beauty. I do not take any hormones and I am 42 y. I have long (10 days) and light menses every 28 days.
What do you think/recommend to wake it up from the dream?
Many hormone doctors recommend testosterone cream applied to clitoris. However, in my country, testosterone cream costs as much as 20 pounds of grass fed beef organ meats (yes, I eat varied Paleo diet, do not restrict calories, exercise 3/wk CF, play, stretch, walk, bike, meditate, sleep) and you need a doctor’s order.
This article has some points. But it really needs some good editing. It rambles and needs to be much more concise. The info gets lost.
THANKS
Just a hunch but I think there must have been much greater sexual equality for most of human prehistory. In the book ‘Born to Run’ the author quotes an anthropologist who studied the cave dwelling, ultra running Tarahumar in Mexico and said he was surpised that they even existed as a society at all let alone for so many centuries, because the men were so shy about sex. I’m paraphrasing. Definitely different from the usual depiction of a paleo rape like in ‘Quest for Fire.’
A widely held belief about sex that needs to just go away for the good of all is that if the man is on the bottom he’s ‘submissive’ and if the woman is on top she’s ‘dominant.’ I had a one-nighter where she was on top and grinding. I was just manually checking her breasts for lumps. She was doing most of the work. It was fun for both of us – we climaxed simultaneously. I’m just sharing this because I think this is an elemental position that a lot of guys would never let play out if they thought they were being the ‘submissive’ partner.
Thanks for sharing, John! It’s funny – but my whole life I kind of thought of it as unique that I tended toward being more submissive in bed (sorry if TMI, ladies). But then I learned from a friend of mine that almost all women are… and this whole world of exploring gender roles in bed opened up to me. And I got pissed off about all the dom/sub male/female norms. The thing is that for a lot of men I think women taking some more dominant roles would be a lot of fun… it’s just that we ALL need to talk about it more. Men could open up more and women could assert more.
I think you are missing an inherent trait of people and how it relates to orgasms. 🙁 We all want to be loved (come on, admit it) and knowing we are actually loved, not just being used for our sexy womanness, is the key to amazing sex. Casual hookups are lacking love and so sex and orgasms are going to be lacking.
My husband makes incredible love to me not just to feel good himself, but to make me feel amazing too. I think acknowledging the deep human need for love is the key to amazing orgasms. Find a great man who will love you forever and treat you like a sexy queen…and there you have some great sex.
Oh, totally – I think I included that in the blog post. Men have said openly that they care about making their girlfriends orgasm but not the disposable women they hook up with. That’s horrible. I don’t think you need to be with THE ONE for the person you’re sleeping with to care about your pleasure, however. When I have sexual encounters with people who aren’t committed partners (the vast majority of my encounters), I still, and expect the partner to, go into it with extraordinary respect and care for each other.
I was just reading earlier today about a theory described in the book The Tao of Love and Sex by Jolan Chang. It proposes that men are meant to have frequent erections and lots of sex but only rarely orgasm and that women are meant to have as many orgasms as they wish. And if the man isn’t orgasming every time, he will be more able to satisfy his partner. I kind of like this idea 😉 I mean there is a reason women can have multiple orgasms right?!?! I think we all fall prey to the societal norms but I love how you’re actively busting through them and encouraging others to do the same. I always feel empowered when I read anything your write. So thank you for that!
Thanks, Kiersten! Yes, there’s actually some fascinating science out there on why women can orgasm so frequently, and it all has to do with getting as many males as possible to try to impregnate them! #becauseprimates 🙂
Good lord. I’ve never even thought about sex without both people having an orgasm. These statistics make me so angry. My husband and I have been together for 11 years. A quickie means I only get one orgasm through the most boring of means and he only gets to pick one position. In my post partum days, when hormones were bizerk, if I couldn’t go, he’d usually just back off and we’d do something else. His reasoning? That I’m his wife, not a prostitute. Prostitutes must perform because they are paid for, but wives are part of a joint activity and if both people aren’t having fun, what’s the point. I’m not saying this to brag (much), but because women must know that these men DO exist and if the guy you are with “doesn’t give a shit” then I’m sorry, but really what IS the point?!? Why do you care if some random dude has to masterbate one less time this week? Empower yourself! Find out what it is you like and then make sure that happens before the party ends.
LOL. Heather is there an outlet mall that sells clones of your husband? We might need a few… 🙂
I mean OF COURSE we have to stand up for ourselves.. just a joke, Ladies.
I think most of these studies and most people in general are mislead to believe that if a man ejaculated, he had an orgasm. Even most men believe this to be true. Sure, men ejaculate more often than women but how good are their orgasms, if they had one at all? I’m sure most men can tell the difference between when they have a mind blowing, body shaking, OMG orgasm and when they ejaculate with barely any pleasure at all. Of course, in these studies, they all count as orgasms.
I’m a man who became multi-orgasmic a few years ago because I finally realized that sex was not nearly as much fun for me as it was for my wife. She would have three or more orgasms while I concentrated on not ejaculating. When you read suggestions for men to last longer, they generally include removing yourself from the moment so you don’t get too aroused – unbelievable! Everyone, men and women, should slow down and concentrate on the pleasure they’re feeling; the orgasms will come much easier. Men need to stop concentrating on ejaculating (or not ejaculating) and learn to have orgasms.
Amen!
Rock on sister. This was such a powerful piece – way to go! I am totally inspired. Thanks for your writing, and your empowering message.
This article is so validating! Thank you for writing it. I recently ended a 10+ year marriage for many reasons (not necessarily sexual) but the sex life was definitely lacking in the “husband caring” department. After I ended it one day I suddenly remembered a conversation we had once early on about my orgasming – I told him it felt to me like he didn’t even care if I did or not and he told me flat out that if I didn’t enjoy sex or ever have an orgasm, he’d still enjoy it just as much. You can imagine exactly how much of a prostitute I felt like at that point. I should have left then! He did try a few times in our marriage, but never quite understood the “don’t be forceful” thing you were talking about. I was never opposed to taking care of things myself if I wanted one, but it would have been nice if he had some kind of interest, y’know? And yes – I always kinda in the back of my head thought “oh it’s complicated” and whatnot but it’s true… if I’m solo, it takes a few minutes. Interesting how much the culture has to do with it without us even realizing.
oh my god, i want to give you all of the hugs forever. that experience is even so much harder than you’re letting on… kudos to you for your strength and perseverence, and may you find all the vulva-loving men you deserve!!!
Thanks! You are right… it is a difficult thing to deal with. Hard to be married to someone who for some reason just thinks of sex as a way to get off. Even just thinking about it now, which I haven’t really thought about consciously for a while, I realize just how much of an impact that living with that for a decade has done to me.
Maybe someday I’ll meet someone, although for many other reasons I think I’d probably be better off without one… I’m sure there are plenty of good men out there (I like to call them UNICORNS), but I think my “picker” is broken and I’m pretty good with singledom. At least, for now!
Love this post!
That “Sex at Dawn” book is the shit. It should be required reading for every human.
First of all, girls of male orgasm is a bad joke usually takes our orgasm 2-4 seconds. A slightly longer than 3-6 seconds no longer. We usually feel simply and solely in the penis a little exhilaration and intensity when it comes to women seem to have a tenfold better feeling.To be honest I envy women orgasms to ihrere and would not hesitate to replace if I could. One must not forget than you is much in it to restrain the woman to serve out their wonderful orgasms. As a man you never reach a feeling of ecstasy but usually a small ah, I’m done. I have 2 small but excellent reports which our male dillema summarized well. https://syntribate.com/pages/malevsfemaleorgasms.html https://www.osho.com/iosho/library/read-book/online-library-orgasms-known-woman-99fbb360-22c?p=bcb2f10ad1eca7d2ee21a742ce6beb63 and here an interesting article in my view how the orgasm as a trans woman is different from that of a man ”
Once she begins experiencing arousals and engaging in sexual activities, one major thing becomes immediately obvious. Orgasm feels really different as a woman. It may not be quite as easy to achieve and may take longer to achieve, but it can be a much more powerful sensation than any she ever experienced before as a boy.
Following SRS, the perfunctory feeling of male ejaculation during orgasm is gone forever. Instead, you can build up your sexual arousal to a much higher level without ejaculation bringing things to a halt. It may take more time to reach it, but you can now experience a more powerful orgasm – with the old male ejaculation feeling now replaced by an intense neural discharge and spasm throughout the entire genital area during orgasm. It feels kind of like you are being gently stimulated with electricity inside and throughout your entire genital region. The experience can vary a lot from orgasm to orgasm in the way in which the “neural halo and spasmodic colors” of the orgasm develop, spread, and feel. It seems almost as if most men so easily and quickly reach ejaculation that they never manage to get “high enough” sexually to trigger this more powerful form of orgasm.
In addition, there are real differences in “body feelings” during lovemaking between the male and female experience (although many of these feelings will be “female” in form for preop TS women too). Most males are usually stimulated visually by their partner’s body-appearance. Once aroused, they usually feel a growing “tightness inside” and a desire to “grab and hold and thrust and penetrate”. This desire comes on suddenly, and quickly becomes quite overpowering, with most of the sexual sensations coming only from within the penis itself. However, when the release of orgasm occurs, it is usually much more perfunctory than for a woman, being accompanied by a few spurts of semen and a few grunts and that’s it. The ejaculation is then followed by quite a sudden letdown and loss of any interest in sexual activity.
The sexual experience for the postop woman is much more “internal” within and throughout her whole body than for a male. The arousal may start in her genitals, but then can spread all through her lower body, especially inside the muscles, and her skin all over her body becomes more sensitized to caressing and touching. Instead of sexual arousal being just in the genitals as in a male, the estrogen seems to also enable a powerful “heat” to fill the woman’s whole body once she is aroused – and especially once she is being penetrated. Having this heat come over her in the absence of a partner, and without any satisfaction, can make her feel like “climbing the walls” or “thrashing around in her bed”. ”
You do realise the male and female orgasm is the same? The same length even. Take a quick google search honey. Also you are obviously not a guy you are speaking like a mad feminist.
Did you cry rape when he didn’t give you an orgasm? or did he just see your tumblr open and witness your true feminist charms? I’l go with the latter.
I envy a mans orgasm it seems so much more intense than mine :/
Makes me feel extremely lucky to be a “weirdo”. I’m a giver…but I have to admit that it’s for pretty selfish reasons. Nothing excites me more than the excitement of my partner. You want to feel like a real man? Try looking across the bed at a limp, smiling, barely coherent puddle of happy girl. Now THAT’S my idea of a conquest. Maybe I’m wired differently than most, but I can’t help but think that, if a lot of guys knew what they were missing,everybody would be having a lot more fun. Just try it, guys…you’ll thank me.
yeah yeah yeah!!!! 🙂
Great article! Very accurate. I have never had an orgasm during sex and have told him about it, but nothing has changed. We just started recently, so i will wait for couple more times.
Society has always made sex about man’s pleasure. We women need to stand up to our right and ask for pleasure. We need to ask for more. So that is what i will be doing soon.
I am very excited for you, Roch. Don’t forget that the more you know about your body, and the more you are willing to share with your partner, the more equipped he will be to please you. I know it’s not easy but it ends up being the best for everybody in the long run 🙂
The idea that women generally are gentler than men during sexual activity is false. It is variant among individuals. Get your facts correct DUMB woman!!
generally speaking, i said.