In November and December of 2013, I took a two month break from blogging. This was no novel-on-the-beach, sand-in-your-crevices, how-many-mojitos-have-I-had-so-far-today? hiatus, however. It was, without going into too excruciating of detail, the most challenging and stressful 56 days of my life.
I slept between 3.5 and 4 hours each night – and not on purpose, but because my adrenal glands were in a state of panic – I stared at a computer monitor for 19 other hours of the day (leaving one for food and travel) – I copy edited a 330 page book (check it out here!) and wrote from scratch a 150 page thesis – I let go of my weekly weight lifting and sprint exercises, and I said “screw it, I am going to eat anything I need to get through this time.” Fortunately – “anything I need” for someone like me means some oat cereal or organic dark chocolate bars from time to time – so my health wasn’t seriously imperiled from that direction.
But from the stress…
Which came on the back of two years of stress slowly ratcheting up to this climax..
I don’t know how to express to you the state of genuine brokenness I felt.
And feel.
While I have been blogging (and excitedly so) about my recent fertility, libido, and body fat gains, there are serious things wrong with me now, too.
I suffer heart palpitations. I am extraordinarily sensitive to electrolyte imbalance, and I can feel my heart thumping hard in my chest at least 50 percent of my life (not a good feeling – especially when you are trying to sleep). I am unquestionably horribly cortisol resistant and in stage six hundred of adrenal fatigue. I remain incapable of sleeping in more than four hour chunks. I often wake in the middle of the night sweating, hot and nauseated. I am exhausted or exhausted and wired all of the time. My weight continues to creep up despite my best efforts to stop it. My cravings are all over the map. I am lightyears more emotionally fragile than I have ever been in my entire life, feeling anxious and crying and raging at the drop of a hat.
The sleep is the worst.* The absolute worst. In the last thirteen months, I have slept seven nights through more than 6 hours. I know that if I can just sleep more and regularly, I can restore my dopamine and serotonin levels.
But I have not succeeded. And try as I might to heal, almost nothing I try makes any dent.
This stress, I know, has also turned me into a rabid sugar addict. Which I suspect is related to at least some of my problems.
Blood sugar dysregulation is implicated in middle-of-the-night waking, hot flashes coupled with nausea, uncontrollable food intake and adrenal panic.
Sure – I was healthy and content to eat a higher carbohydrate for much of the last year or so. It didn’t seem to make me gain weight or suffer any negative symptoms – not even blood sugar swings. But so little sleep and so much stress depletes the body of so many important nutrients. Magnesium is one of them, perhaps the most crucial. It also sucks dopamine and serotonin levels through the basement.
So now, in the wake of my stressful period, I desperately need these neurotransmitters. I am hooked on sugar as a result. Eating sugar is one of the only things I can do to keep myself feeling calm and sane. I know that sounds counter-intuitive – but when you have so much trouble sleeping and eliminating stress like I have (and these things are not easy to recover from) – you take what you can get.
Nonetheless it is time for me to face the music.
I’m stuck on the cortisol-sugar-serotonin cycle. Getting off of it won’t be easy. I’ve tried already in the recent weeks, in my new-found freedom and with some free time. I end up being so tired and craving sugar and, wanting to be good to myself, let myself have it. If my body needs the serotonin, why deny it?
But I suspect getting off of it in the long run will help. Right? Right. So I am doing it.
I’ll do anything to sleep better. Low carbing hasn’t worked in my recent efforts, but perhaps what I need is time, and a serious commitment.
Yikes.
Fortunately I have a brilliant friend who is one of the world’s experts in sugar detox – Diane Sanfilippo – and I am going to let her be my guide.
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I have never, not once in my entire life, ever put my health in the hands of an “expert” who proscribes a “program.”
Until today. I don’t want to turn this blog post into a sales pitch for Diane’s books. But I will tell you this: she is right about everything.
I trust Diane. She’s right. My high and low blood sugar leads to a cortisol response, which elevates insulin levels, which in turn drastically alters blood sugar levels… ad nauseum.
And I have to admit – being so stressed and feeling so down and in need of help some of the time these days, I need hand-holding and I need reassurances. Diane is giving these things to me in spades.
I have already experienced – or am experiencing – the early days she tells me to expect when she lays out what’s coming for detoxers emotionally and physically throughout the course of her program. “Day 2: Will this get easier?” and “Day 3: Am I going to make it through this?” These days I have.
Then in my recent efforts came my own version of Day 4: “Oh, right, my health is hopeless, this isn’t going to help, why not eight mangoes for dinner?”
So this time – I mean it. I am looking forward to the Day 4 Diane promises: “Three days down, eighteen to go!”
The thing about health and especially about adrenal and hormone and thyroid systems is that they take time. So I am going to trust my body, trust this knowledge, and do whatever I can to step down this long, winding road of recovery from the most extraordinary stress I have ever experienced.
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I share all of this with you today because I need you to know that health gurus struggle, too. Sometimes I am the pinnacle of health, and so often I know that I have “made it” – but then, you know – life happens. It just does. You roll with the punches, put your head down, push, and move forward.
I have the option to continue to spiral inward on my adrenal issues, but I know deep down that I have to do everything possible to heal. It’s not easy. I am so tired of trying. Some days its just so hard to keep going on anything, with food a simple tool to keep me awake and functioning. I also know that coming off of sugar isn’t going to fix everything. There’s a lot else going on. Nutrient deficiencies. Circadian disruption. Perhaps a need for certain adrenal salves.
This is going to take a long, long time.
Health is a journey with bumps in the road. We walk it, because we must.
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August 2014 edit: Diane has come out with a kickass program, replete with guides and recipes and yoga instructions and science, all in a beautiful package I love, which you can read about here. The 21 Day Sugar Detox book and cookbook are both available on Amazon.
*… the best resource for adrenal problems and especially insomnia I have yet found is this simple PDF by Julia Ross of The Mood Cure fame.
… also, by the way, if you google image search ‘sugar addiction’ in the first 150 search results there are two photos of males. The rest are females or graphics. What does this say about our culture? About women? I’ll have to do some research, but if you have any ideas.. 🙂
Stefani- do you eat any carbs on this detox?
yes! plenty. I am just trying to get… less hooked on them. No more meals composed only of fruit. That’s not very good for anyone’s blood sugar, and I did that more often than not. Now I am trying to eat some meals without fruit and to always include a simple reasonable amount of carbohydrate with my meals
加油!
I am so amazed/awed by your writing a book and a grad school thesis at the same time. It is also great that you are taking the time to take care of yourself now. It is very powerful for you to share this experience–the title of this post says it all–taking positive action when enough is enough. Thanks!
Your blog today really concerned me. I’m not a health professional, but over the past 3 years I’ve learned more than I wanted to know about heart health. Low magnesium levels can cause heart palpitations, and impacts heart health greatly. Chronic low magnesium can lead to the development of life-threatening arrhythmias, especially atrial fibrillation which in turn greatly increases your chance of having a stroke. Consider asking your PCP for an ECG and 24 or 48 hour Holter Monitor to rule out anything like an arrhythmia. During an arrhythmia, the heart can beat too fast, too slow, or with an irregular rhythm (much like palpitations). Some arrhythmias (e.g. ventricular fibrillation, ventricular tachycardia) can cause the heart to stop pumping blood through the body which leads to Sudden Cardiac Death. My otherwise healthy husband with no heart defects, disease or other issues technically died to SCD, but luckily was resuscitated 3 years ago
Stefi could have her thyroid gland checked too. Mine is borderline hyperactive, and it is one factor which might contribute to my frequent episodes of arrhythmia.
In January, I went through the same thing as Stefi: working + studying for exams, rarely more than 4 hours of sleep a day, and lots of coffee… then as the weeks went on, I ‘fell’ into biscuits and cakes. I did supplement with Mg, rather heavily (bloating + diarrhea) but it took me 2 weekends of sleeping nearly all day long to start to feel better. Now I’m ditching the coffee, attempting to ditch the sugar (more tricky) and going back to the gym. Not surprisingly, myperformance has failed. However I did pass those exams 🙂
Will definitely ask my GP about seeing a cardiologist when I get a little more money – not before 2015 though!
Luckily indeed! Thank you so much for your concern and insight. I actually checked myself into an ER 18 months ago because of palpitations… and even while the doctors said I was fine I thought it was probably due to an electrolyte imbalance. I have been supplementing with magnesium ever since, and it definitely helps – but it’s obviously not curing me either.
Good for you! I’ve been a slave to the sugar dragon all my life, and I just finished a Whole30 that really helped me get closer to being free of it. I say closer because I discovered that my body does NOT react well to sugar detox. I get such horrible hypoglycemia that I even have to vomit sometimes, and it’s not unheard of for me to actually faint from low blood sugar, so instead of doing a sudden detox, I’ve been slowly reducing sugar for a couple years now, with the Whole30 helping me achieve the biggest change. It’s unreal how much this stuff has a hold on us!
Yes, well, to be clear: my “sugar detox” and Diane’s program is not about eliminating sugar, but about learning to unhook yourself from the monster of sugar cravings. I still eat carbohydrates every day. My goal now is to have at least one meal that is free of a sweet tasting food, which I think is reasonable enough. You definitely need carbohydrates for adrenal support. The trick is just not to be addicted to them.
Very amazing blog site post! I believe the fact with you, different treatments and techniques should be use more generally.
Stefani,
I’m so sad and so happy to read this post. Of course, reading about your struggles makes me wish so much that you’ll very quickly get back to feeling calm and healthy, but reading about the strides your taking to do so, makes me glad.
I appreciate you sharing this with us. I’ve been a stressed out mess since I was a kid, and I have to work hard to not let stress dictate my life. It’s reassuring that even people who are so smart and hardworking, struggle with the same things like everyone else.
It doesn’t make sense for me to go “You suck for being stressed out and eating too many bananas Megan” but then read your story and say “I understand where Stefani is coming from, she shouldn’t be too hard on herself”. NO ONE should be hard on themselves. You deserve some slack, and I deserve some slack. I hope so much that the detox helps you (I”m sure it will, Diane is wonderful). I also hope sleep finds you soon!
Wow, your story is so much like mine! I must have had adrenal problems for many years, never knowing.I always got relief when I consumed something with sugar or caffeine. Well, now I am 32, have a 5 year old daughter(thanks God) ( I had an ectopic pregnancy before here, and was told I may never have kids). Sorry, if my story is all over the place, I’m trying to sum everything out. I hade some severe personal traumas in the family the last 4 years, and during that time lived on skipped meals and lots of sugar and caffeine to keep me going.I was exclusively breastfeeding my daughter which I did for 3 years during this rough time. So, since all the stress,anxiety,skipped meals,bad diet I started getting 24 hour long panic attacks that would last for weeks. Since that started, I haven’t been the same. I’m lucky to sleep 1 hour a night. If I do sleep it’s only light and dreamy sleep. I haven’t resorted to drugs, because of my fear of them. My mom almost ended her life 2 times because they messed up her brain chemistry so bad. I did adrenal/cortisol/hormone tests they seem normal except stage 6 adrenal fatigue. My adrenal glands are constantly stimulated,no tea/herb/supplement has helped. I have seriously tried everything except drugs. I just know if I could sleep I could get out of fight or flight mode. I still stick to a paleo diet. So my symptoms our constant,palpitations,tight chest,etc….my body is in a constant state of fight or flight. Wish I could feel normal again. I felt great pregnant and breastfeeding. Wish I could feel like that 24/7. I am doing the best I can by eating well. Good luck on this journey to all that are struggling.
Wow, Lindsay. I have a LOT of sympathy and empathy for you. I think we need to hug. 🙂
The only thing I can say that has helped me was a radical overhaul of my life. That stressor happened in a particular place and at a particular time, and when it ended I LEFT and I found a safe space to go to in which I can sleep when I want for however long I want. Obviously its not ‘perfect’ – my sleep is all over the place, and I still feel horribly wired much of the time, but very slowly I feel myself getting a few more minutes here, a few more minutes there. I need this atmosphere to be 100 percent quiet and 100 percent within my control.
I know it sounds like an impossibility – especially for people who need a job – but when you have a need, the need is serious, and you are fortunate like me to have some place or someone who can shelter you for a while – total shutdown and escape can be totally worth it.
Thanks for the response. Your words really help!
Stefani,
Thank you so much for your candor and exacting detail in explaining your difficulties! I’ve been going through so many of the same processes that, while my heart aches for your struggle, I also find immense relief from the clarity you provide. And your roadmap is inspiring, too! Exactly the set of steps I need to follow myself. Thank you SO much (yeah, I already said it, but it bears repeating).
Hi Stefani,
Thank you so much for sharing so honestly and being vulnerable…… that shows so much of your true character!!!! I have been a silent follower of your site for a little while now, and I’m finding it absolutely life saving and life changing!! I have been struggling with pretty much every kind of health issue that you write about….. and you were the first to introduce me to the idea that super low carb may not be the “magic cure” and is actually making everything alot worse.
From one fighting woman to another, I’d like to suggest that NOBODY should be working 19 hours a day,Even tho I recoginzie that you didn’t have a choice. But I really think your body is only having a completely normal reaction to the stress you went thru, and perhaps there really is not anything “wrong” with your body, other than needing some serious rest and relaxation. How about scheduling 10-12 hours per day where you do absolutely nothing except sleep, and rest and be as lazy as possible even if you can’t sleep? It might help yourself catch up on the sleep deficit you have racked up.
Cheers!!!!!
Bethany – yes. Perhaps I should have been more explicit about that in the post. The absolute number one most important thing in my life is making sure I do not force myself to work or to expend energy when I do not feel up to the task. In fact – maybe I’ll go write a blog post about this right now… 🙂
I’m actually a little saddened that you would promote something like a Sugar Detox book. I thought this site was above that.
If you are low on magnesium and craving sugar as a result, why not address the issue (low magnesium) and skip the “detox”?
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles with us, Stefani. I hope the 21 Day Sugar Detox turns out to be just the thing you need to restore your body. I tried to do the same in January, feeling like I needed to abruptly force myself off the holiday sugar roller coaster. But it was a very stressful time in my life, and I ended up deciding that trying to sugar detox was adding more stress than I needed. I also think I implemented it a little too low carb. I’m hoping I can try again soon with some alterations and a little less stress in my life. I’m curious to hear more about your experience, so I hope you keep writing and sharing your personal journey with us. Thank you so much for all that you do!
Thanks for this post. I am interested to hear more about these palpitations, as I have been getting these regularly since I started paleo about a year ago. They will suddenly come on when I am just walking around — as if I’d just finished an intense bout of exercise — or I will wake up and not be able to fall back to sleep because my heart is pounding so intensely.
I’m looking forward to hearing about whether the 21 day sugar detox helps with your palpitations. I’m 23 and otherwise healthy, and am a little concerned about this issue!
Dearest Stef,
My friend, thank you for sharing so openly and honestly about your struggles. Do you know how much I love and admire you, and how much I want to give you a big, big hug for simply being who you are?
I know how vulnerable it can feel to be honest, especially when you’re in a guru space. I am so grateful that you’re able to let down and rest in the loving care of Diane and so many others.
I, too, have had my share of health challenges in my life – from addiction and eating disorders to depression and anxiety, and, yes adrenal exhaustion. It can be very vulnerable to be in this space while also being a leader or teacher.
And yet this is why we love you so, for simply being honest and being you. And for using your bright mind and intellect and heart to use your struggles for the greater good, to help so many….
In love and care, Karly
I too struggled with seriously awful insomnia in grad school. It can and will get better. I have a lot of advice about it if you want more of it just email me. I know how hard it is to live with 🙁
I had the same problem so I can relate and having a similar story of getting through it makes your tale a lot closer to my heart. It was really a struggle but thanks to detoxing, it made me, us feel better.